New Year's Eve 2013: She'll Still Be Up At 6 a.m. Edition

I remember when New Year's Eve meant eating a fancy dinner, dancing at bars, and taxi rides home at 2 a.m.

At 44, I'm kinda doing that stuff, but I'm having more fun.

Check out the fancy menu Charlotte picked: chips, chili con queso, shrimp, crackers, buffalo wings from Jethro's, bacon and cheese little smokies, cheese spread, olive muffaletta spread, and don't forget the grapes.

Disney and the Johnston Public Library provided the exciting Blu-ray entertainment.

But sadly, cute blondes still don't want to dance with me for long.

Well, at least you don't need to pay a taxi driver when you don't ever leave home.

Here's hoping 2014 is a good one.

Quote of the Day

"The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others."
Doug Adams

So remember, if you screw up a little on this Christmas day, it's really just a small gift to your family.

Merry Christmas!

Thrift Store Show and Tell: Dress in Layers Edition

I was thinking about wearing this shirt to the Christmas Eve church service.

In my defense, Neil is all about Christmas.

But to quote Daphne, "Eww. I don't even know what that means."

I suppose she's right; I don't think most people would appreciate the joke of wearing this to church... sigh. I'll just wear my red sweater.

But now you and I know what I'll be wearing underneath that red sweater.

Better Than a Warm Pair of Mittens

Originally written in 1944 by Frank Loesser, "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is a Christmas staple that has been recorded by more artists than I care to count. The song is a flirty conversation between a "wolf" and a "mouse". The mouse is ready to leave the home of the wolf after a date, and the wolf is trying to convince the mouse not to scurry away. I can hear the song blasting at the mall, and the local radio stations play various versions, but rarely do I hear my favorite performance.

For my money, Sammy Davis Jr. and Carmen McRae recorded the definitive version in 1957.  

First off, a couple that performs "Baby, It's Cold Outside" has to have chemistry for the song to work. Willie Nelson and Norah Jones sang this duet in 2010, and they're both great performers, but there's 46 years between their ages. The idea's kind of gross. Plus, it doesn't sound like they're even in the same room. In contrast, Sammy and Carmen sound like they're sharing a microphone, and singing arm in arm.

Secondly, the song is suppose to be playful. There's a reason performers have had fun switching roles. Last year John Travolta sang the mouse to Olivia Newton-John's wolf. Once Bing Crosby and  Jimmy Stewart sang this together on the radio, with no female mouse stirring in the house. When you listen to Sammy and Carmen play off of each other, it really does sounds like play. You can't tell me they're not having fun. By the end, they're both goofing with their voices and laughing.

Thirdly, there's Mr. Davis. I really enjoy how Sammy's vocal delivery romps around within the parameters of the lyrics, "Look. Out. That-a Win-dow A-at That Storm." And I'm sure it's just my imagination, but I swear I can hear the ice in his Manhattan clinking as he's swings the glass around.   

The high today is 4 degrees. Why don't you curl up by the fire with Sammy and Carmen?

I've seen too many scary movies: PHANTASM Edition

While I was making dinner in the kitchen, Charlotte set up two wrapping tubes at the top of the basement stairs. They were supposed to mark the finish line for a "basement race".

I wouldn't run between them, though. I've seen the spacegate in the 1979 movie Phantasm.

And I know what's on the other side.

"Booooooyyy..."

Thrift Store Show and Tell: Blitzkrieg Edition

While Charlotte and Daphne were in Coralville learning how to make Grandma Ruth's buttermilk biscuits, I had Des Moines to myself. I decided to blitzkrieg the local thrift stores! In five hours I hit three Goodwill stores, two thrift stores, and two flea markets.
Let's review the booty!

$2.39 - You might not believe this, but Wolverine will be a fun "date night" movie with Daphne. She's a closet superhero fan.

$2.79 - Lords of Dogtown: Music from the Motion Picture is a great fuzz-rock mix tape from the 70's. The only missteps are the modern songs. Rise Against pales in comparison to the other bands on this.

$1.59 - This Abercrombie and Fitch belt looks a little beat up, but I think that's the point.

$5.00 - Seriously, five bucks for an Atari? Okay! I don't care if it's filthy, it's supposed to snow 6 inches tonight. I'll have a lot of cleaning time tomorrow.

$2.00 - An extra pair of Atari paddles are pretty handy if you're in a spirited game of Warlords.

It's a sickness; I know. I can't turn down a $1 Walkman... you just never know when you need one.

50 cents - The Marvelous Magical Burger King can turn onions into rings, the rings into a chain, and then make the chain do stuff? I better drink out of his glass!

$1.99  - I am a firm believer that a vintage Snap-on screwdriver works better than any other screwdriver on earth.

75 cents - Winter Break Reading:

In my rush, I'm not sure I should have picked up this copy of The Mind Brothers. That discoloration on the cover looks like mold, and the whole book is lousy with it. If you put a moldy book on your book shelf, then you'll infect your whole collection as the mold jumps from book to book. It's a small waste of money, but it's best to give the moldy book the boot.

This ex-library book by Richard Laymon isn't a waste, though. Laymon's a badass.

Makes Me Want a Zima

My search for basement decorations continues. As I mentioned before, I'm not sure what I'm looking for. I just know I want it to be cool. And by cool, I mean original and eclectic. Cheap is good, too.

This time I found a drawing of Dave Mathews in a thrift store. Oh man, I'm having a 90's flashback.

Is it original? The artist's signature looks legit, and the artwork has been scotch-taped to the mat board, so I think this is the real deal. Plus, it's not a generically perfect print that you can buy at a big box store. Look at his left hand; those fingers are like 8 feet long:

Either Dave slammed them in a car door, or you've drank too much Crystal Pepsi, and now stuff looks like it's melting. 
Originality score: 5 out of 5

Is it eclectic? Well, yeah. It's a picture of Dave Mathews. And it's going to be hanging in a straight man's basement. 
Score: 3 out of 5.

Was it cheap? Yep, Hope Ministries had it marked at $20, but they are having an "everything framed is $5" sale. I would rather have spent 79 cents, but five bucks isn't bad. Besides, the last three times I spotted this on my wall, I laughed out loud. How do you put a price on that kind of joy?

Score: 4 out of 5

But is it cool? Hey, the numbers don't lie. Welcome home, Dave.

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I Shall Call Her... Mini-Me

It's weird. Every so often I'll put out clothes for myself, and then I can't find them.

Be Warned, 80's Alert!

I went to prom twice, once in 1986, and again in '87. I attended high school in Rock Valley, Iowa, and my class consisted of a whopping 40 students.

At Rock Valley, you took your prom date to dinner in "New York" or "France". That is, you ate in the school's cafeteria - thinly disguised with paper streamers and glitter glue. A dinner of sliced turkey, mashed potatoes, and fruit hiding in jello was presented on lunch trays by a select group of sophomore servers. Wine glasses were filled with water or milk. If you chose the milk option, it was poured from the small, cardboard carton, "Merci, mon garçon." 

For dessert, a sheet cake proclaiming "Puttin' On The Ritz!" in white frosting was drawn and quartered. 

After watching a slide show set to the songs of Billy Ocean, we had 45 minutes to kill before the big dance in the elementary gym opened. Most kids fled the school to their cars so they could drink and drive on the web of gravel roads spanning Sioux county.

Not me, though. I used that time to work on my math homework.

In the 80's most kids drank beer, but if you wanted to "step it up" you went for a wine cooler. And because everything in the 80's was huge, wine coolers came in two-liter sizes!

And that's when my first prom went awry. My date left the school to go drive around with her friends, and I was supposed to met her at the dance around 8:30. She didn't show. Well, she showed, but in her nervousness, she had almost drunk a whole two-liter of Sun Country by herself. That's a lot of alcohol to consume in a very short time. 

Her "friends" got her out of their car and into mine where she puked and fell asleep in the backseat. Four hours later, she was able to walk into her house by herself. And while wearing my tux, I hosed off my back seat and car mats at the car wash.

Wow, that was fun. I didn't even get a prom date photo standing near a fence decorated with Xmas lights on the "Brooklyn Bridge".

To avoid such problems, the next year I went stag. The school dinner was exactly the same, except I sat at the "singles" table (that's a little sad in itself), and before falling asleep in his mashed potatoes, a drunk classmate invited our Home Ec teacher to the kegger at his house. Sun Country claims another victim.

Again, I was alone at the prom dance. But this time I had the foresight to ask several girls if they'd be kind enough to pose with me for my prom pic. "There's no pressure. I was just wondering if you'd stand by me?" Mostly, I was answered with quizzical looks. I think they thought I was joking.

As the Whitney Houston and Wang Chung songs bounced around the gym, I watched in the hallway as couples stood in the photo line primping and curling. The photographer was going home at ten, and around that time I stood biting my lip, hoping the DJ would remember to announce it was time for my prom photo. I had made a special request, but I was worried that he thought it was a joke, too.

As "The Lady in Red" winded down, I heard the loud speakers in the gym echo, "Excuse me ladies, but if you want to take advantage of being in Brent Monson's prom picture, your chance is now..."

For a few minutes I stood by myself in front of that dark backdrop as the photographer began to pack up his bags. Silently, I was praying someone would lower themselves for just one second to help me out...

And then the girls walked in... en mass. I couldn't believe it! Look how many girls left the dance floor and their dates. The photographer had to pull the camera back as far as he could to get everyone in the shot.

Thank you, ladies. Sincerely. It didn't last long, but for about 45 seconds, you helped me feel pretty cool.

No, Not Me. I Married a LEO.

While surfing for old VW parts, I see a lot of ads for cheap cars. The cheapest are listed as having "no title" and only a "bill of sale". The ad usually ends with, "u could prolly get a title real easy in yr state."

Out of curiosity, I have been researching what it takes to get an Iowa title (and registration) for a car or motorcycle that has none. It's a pretty expensive process. Among other things, the Iowa DOT requires "a cash bond or surety bond, based on one and one-half times the current value of the vehicle."

I wasn't sure what the DOT meant by "cash bond", so I Googled it. Turns out I wasn't the only one with this question:

Hey, I married a Leo, too. Can I use that as a disclaimer when I Google embarrassing questions?

"Can the inside of your nose stink? Clearly, I don't want to know this, but a friend does... I married a LEO."

Hmmm. Might work. 

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What's it like to be the parent of "that kid"?

The Christmas program was this morning, and it started out okay. Char just needed a little help to find her spot in the front of the church.

When she got up there, she seemed pretty happy. She's third from the left. And look at those cute sheep!

But then Angel #5 noticed that the audience was bigger than just Mom and Dad, and Angel #5 got a bad case of stage fright.

At first she played with her halo and turned her back on everyone. I believe this is called an "avoidance technique".

Later, a high school helper had to lead her to where she was supposed to stand with the other angels, but she wouldn't face the audience. That's when she felt "tired".

She did say her line, "Me, too!" And she's pretty easy to understand.

So, what's it's like being the parent of "that kid"?

The initial, honest answer is that you're embarrassed. No one wants their child rolling around on the ground while the other kids are belting out "Silent Night". Also, the tension in your body makes your back hurt.

Then you feel helpless. Since she can't hear you whisper, "C'mon, get up!" from where you are sitting, and mental telepathy doesn't work, you can't correct her behavior. You also can't storm up to front of the church and grab your child. That would only make things worse. Plus, you'd really throw out your back.

Next on the emotional list is guilt. Charlotte doesn't behave like this on a normal day, and she's obviously scared, and very stressed. Since she didn't beg to be in this position, it feels like I forced her up there.

And then there's relief. You're relieved when it's all over, and your angel with dirty wings runs over and says, "Dad! I talked into the microphone!" And it helps that your back has stopped throbbing, too.

In the end, you realize that if this is the worse thing your happy and healthy daughter does today, you're a blessed person, indeed. So many people out there wish they could have your "problems".

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A Morning In The Life

Woke up, fell out of bed
Dragged a comb across my head
Found my way downstairs and drank a cup
And looking up, I noticed I was late
Found my coat and grabbed my hat... 

"A Day in the Life" The Beatles

Because Daphne has 7 a.m. Jazz Band rehearsals on Mondays and Thursdays, it's just Char and I on those mornings. To get a jump on the day, I try to get up early.

By 5:40 I'm in the shower.

By 5:55 I'm picking out clothes. Hopefully, they're manlier than that shower curtain.

At 6:00 I have to make sure the cats get fed, and that Earl doesn't steal Bo's food. He's a squinty thief.

Maggie gets breakfast, too. And then she needs to go out to go potty.

Next I start making Char a simple breakfast.

But then a barky Maggie scratches the door to be let back in. 

At 6:15, I bring a sippy cup of milk to Char's room, and I start the process of waking her up. But then Maggie starts barking that she needs to out again. This time she's in the basement.

Back upstairs it's time to get Char to also go potty. Charlotte has moved up to using the "big girl" potty, and this is a very big deal at our house. 

While she's on the potty, I get her dressed for the day.

While Char eats at the kitchen counter and watches a "kid's show" on my laptop,

I run upstairs to get the important, morning brushes.

But not before I have to run downstairs to let in a dog whose barks are threatening to wake up the neighborhood. It's 6:45.

Time to pack up her lunch.

And then ten seconds later I have to yell at Bo to stop digging in her lunch.

Some mornings it's harder to find her shoes...  (what a frustrating five minutes)

... than it is to get them on.

At 6:55 it's time to put on coats and quickly brush her hair.

But before I can put on her hat and take off for the day,

I have to knock the cat off the counter.

And then make sure I filled the "treat fish" with the right marshmallows for our drive to day care.

Except for driving the car, I didn't sit down once during the first two hours of my day, and I was still three minutes late for work. And I only have one kid.

Well, at least you can't say I didn't try.

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Lucky.

If you believe W. C. Field's axiom, "Never work with children or animals", then you know how hard it is to get a pair of both to pose for the camera.

Maggie's wardrobe is provided by Charlotte and Target's "One Spot".

Bug Update: Come Together Edition

It's just too cold to have any fun working in the garage right now, so when Charlotte goes to bed, I "work" on the Bug by surfing the net for car parts.

Craigslist is okay, but Search Tempest is Craigslist on steroids. You type in your location, how far you'd be willing to drive, and what you're looking for. Then you'll get results from all your surrounding areas (and eBay) at once.

I've had some success using Search Tempest, but since Iowa is in the automotive "rust belt", most of the parts I find for sale around here are actually worse than what I'm already using.

So, the classified section of Thesamba.com is where I spend most of my shopping time. Many of the sellers are located in the south or west, and they are willing to ship parts for a reasonable price.

Let's see where my most recent purchases have came from, and how far they traveled to get to me. 

After improving the front bumper, I noticed the headlight assemblies do not match, and the headlight lenses are cracked. Funny how that didn't bother me before.

This original, replacement lens came from Flint, Michigan, which is 593 miles away.

This headlight assembly covered 712 miles to get here from Florence, Alabama.

My taillight housings are rusted out. 

But I found a pair for sale in Shawnee, Kansas - which is 205 miles from Johnston, Iowa. Although the paint is chipped, the tail light housings are the right color for my Bug.

My bug was originally purchased in North Dakota, and the first owner installed a gas heater in the front trunk to help heat the car. In case you didn't know, the only heat an old Beetle has is whatever hot air drifts off the engine and creeps down the tubes that lead to the passenger compartment. That lukewarm air can also be smelly.

Here's my gas heater.

If you're living just south of Canada, then I'm sure the gas heater is necessary. But I've never seen one work, and I'm not about to hook my heater up my car's gas line to experiment with it. I just want this heavy lump out of there. But removing the heater would result in a 6-inch hole above my passenger's legs. Here's a view from inside the car of the heater's vent and where the hole would be if I removed the heater.

What to do? Well, in Tehachapi, California, (1,660 miles away) a guy named Greg is cutting up this 1966 Beetle for parts. His ad reads,"The sparks are flying, call now!!" 

I contacted Greg, and despite the snow storm that recently hit Tehachapi, he drug his Bug into his shop, and he's going to cut out a 10" x 10" metal patch to help me fill in that hole. The paint might even match. Nice!

I think it's pretty cool to see how parts from all over our country are coming together to give my little car another shot at road glory.