Just Tilt Your Head to the Left

(I wrote this back in December 2009.)

The only time I dread going to church is when we have to take pictures for the church directory. 

Daphne and I have taken these pictures at the church twice: once six years ago and then again last September. After your scheduled "shoot" in the fellowship hall, the photography company moves you into a classroom where you have to sit through their sales pitch and a computer generated slide show of your pictures. You get one complimentary portrait, but they want you to purchase a whole photo package so you can embarrass yourself by giving these terrible pictures as gifts. The ugly frames are extra.

Speaking of embarrassing, this year's photo package has Christmas card options. One design places your image above the manger scene - on this card you are in the clouds looking down on Joseph, Mary, and baby Jesus. I know products are being tailored for the "me generation," but that's horrible. (Unless your Christmas card has that design, then I really like it.)

Anyway, the first time we heard the pitch the salesperson wasn't even looking at the screen as she scrolled through our picture display. When she stopped on the photo where Daphne's eyes are shut and my unsmiling mouth is open, she turned to us and gushed, "Ohhhh, that's a nice one!"  

This year the salesperson, a gal in her 60s, abruptly stopped the slide show, tapped my knee with a finger, and asked me if it was "Daphne's beautiful eyes or those long legs of hers" that first attracted me. What kind of crazy question is that to ask in a church? I awkwardly replied, "Ummm... both." But the truth is the pictures of us are so bad I had actually been wondering how either of those two people ever got dates.

Besides that, even though the company has three photographers working, both times we have gotten the same sleazy guy. He first takes pictures of us as a couple, then I pose for a few, and then it's Daphne's turn to get grossed out. The guy doesn't touch her or anything, but after each pop of the flashbulb he feeds her lines like, "Heyyyy, Hollywood's calling.", "Over here, Super Model!", and "Wow! The camera luuuuvs you!" 

Daph haaaates that man.

By the time we left the church our uncomplimentary picture was "in the mail," and we felt the need to go home and shower. 

And then maybe go workout. 

2017 Update:

I can't show that photo of Daphne and I; I have no idea where it went. Honest. I can show you a photo collage with pictures with Daphne and Charlotte wearing hairnets at church (top left/ bottom right). We were making meals that were sent to Africa.