Beware The Farty Forest: A Parenting Story

The one aspect of her nightly routine that Char "hates" is when Mom brushes her hair. There's usually a lot of tears and cries of pain, real and imagined.

Tonight I went upstairs to see how things were going, and when I walked into the bedroom I heard Daphne announce, "C'mon, Char. We're going to the bathroom. And while you stand on your turtle stool, Dad's gonna sing you a funny song!"

Surprised, I ask the obvious question, "I am?"

"Yep," Daphne patted my arm as she led Charlotte out of the room, "You're the creative one. You can sing the funny song."

I followed them into the bathroom and wondered what I was supposed to do, "Okaaaay, what kind of a funny song?"

"You know. A funny song. Make up something with farts and poop in it."

Okay, now I know what my role is. Daphne's tired and she needs me to be a distraction while Charlotte gets her hair brushed. I mentally rubbed my hands together. Fart song? No problem! I can do that.

I then dramatically cleared my throat and declared, "This song is called 'Beware the Farty Forest', and it goes a little like this..."

The Farty Forest is a smelly place

The animals all like to toot

The squirrels rip ‘em in the trees

And in the sky the birds pollute

The air is thick and sticky

The tree bark’s all turned brown

The bears plug their ears at night

And that protects them from the sound

The hunters’ guns are rusting

They no longer hunt in "there"

The oxen fart runny poop

(And it stains their underwear)

The turtles bubble in the water

The fish swim in streams of pee

This song was your mom’s idea

And she can’t get mad at me

These woods don’t stink a little
The Farty Forest reeks alottle

The showers spray urine water

And there's shampoop in that bottle

So when you visit Farty Forest

Hold your nose and look around

You know what’s in that fog bank

And that’s not mud pie on the ground

No, it's not "You are My Sunshine", but I would like to point out that Char's hair was thoroughly brushed, and not one tear was shed.

Score one for Dad and his juvenile sense of humor.