Put Some (Vanilla) Ice On It

Behold! The power of embarrassment.

We have been taking Charlotte to the skating rink on Wednesday afternoons. That's when Skate North has their dollar special. It's cheap entertainment. None of us are very comfortable on skates, so we rent a "skate mate" for Char to use. Luckily, parents can walk along in street shoes.

Char has been having trouble gaining momentum. We have been trying to get her to push off with her feet at an angle, but she usually just moves her skates forwards and backwards like she is on a Nordic Track.

This week she fell, and she fell hard. Her feet shot out in front of her, and she landed squarely on her tailbone. She and the skate mate were in a tangled mess. After a moment of silence, tears began to flow. 

She wanted to quit skating, but we were past the exit, so we had to finish the loop before getting off the floor. She soldiered on, but as she moved at a snail's pace, she quietly wept. Man, it hurts to watch your child cry.

That's when Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" came booming out of the speakers. I don't know 95 percent of the songs they play at Skate North, but I know that one. And I knew what to do.

As soon as I heard Queen's bass riff, I jumped in front of Char. Facing her, I started dancing backwards and rapping along with Vanilla. 

It should be noted that I'm not good at dancing or rapping.

Her Nordic Track shuffle was forgotten. For the first time Charlotte was charging forward, and her skates were pumpin'. She was aimed at her dad - an embarrassment jumpin’. While I was lightin' up the stage and waxin' a chump like a candle, she was moving faster than we thought she could handle.

Her tears had dried, and her pout had turned into a scowl. She looked deadly. Like a dope melody.

She kept gaining speed, so I kept dancing backwards. I had to make sure I didn't lead her out into the middle where the traffic was bumper to bumper, and the avenue was packed. 

I had to slow down for a moment when three girls holding hands blocked my path. That’s when Char rammed me with her skate mate. She hit the bull’s eye. My kid don’t play. 

She yelled, "Daaad! Stop it!"

Did I stop? No! I just danced by.

Char regained her speed, and I didn’t want to break her stride. So, I kept kickin’ up my juice for another minute. When I finally stopped and let her off the hook, I was rammed by the skate mate again. I just laughed. Char had forgotten her spill. Parental embarrassment trumps sorrow! 

Thank you, Vanilla Ice!

We left the rink and took a break on a bench. Daphne kept telling Charlotte how well she had skated, and it was true. When we went back out, Char's speed and agility improved with every lap. By the time we left, Daphne told Charlotte, "I don't think you even need the skate mate anymore. I think we should try skating without it next time."

I agree. Char’s on a roll, and it's time to go solo.

PS: Our post-skate tradition is to celebrate at Planet Sub. I wouldn't recommend putting Cheetos in your peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but it was Charlotte's brand new invention.  Link

I'm Too Old For This

Charlotte reeeeeealllly, wanted to go to her school's skating party last week, but Daphne and I had decided that we wouldn't go. Charlotte hasn't been on roller skates before, and we didn't think she would want to learn by falling in front of her friends.

BUT, Char came home from school with a note from her teacher about how helpful she has been. We relented and promised her an hour at Skate North Incrediroll.

I didn't think much of it until we were in line to buy tickets. That's when it hit me. I asked Daphne, "We don't have to skate, too, do we?"

"Well, she can't skate by herself. I'd think we have to."

I have a feeling that my face replied by turning white. I haven't been on skates since I was 12, and I wasn't any good back then. I once broke my arm skateboarding. This was trouble.

The rotating lights above the rink made me think of the ambulance I'd soon be in.

When we got on the floor, it was as bad as I thought. I immediately slipped as if I was on ice, and I only missed the ground because the small concrete wall caught me. I patted the top of the wall in thanks. Then I tried to inch my way further out while three-year-olds zoomed past.

Char was between Daphne and I, and when she'd slip she'd almost take me down with her. Char's skate would slam into my foot, and I'd end up back on the wall hanging on as if I was about to fall off a cliff.

I kept thinking about Pieter Bruegel the Elder's painting, The Blind Leading the Blind.



Char fell several times, but she kept getting up. Daphne and I were pretty proud of her attitude. We noticed that quite a few parents had rented a "skate mate" for their kid, so Daphne left to get one of those while Char and I inched along, hugging the wall.

The skate mate helped, but Char didn't want us to hold onto the top tubes with her, and she still wiped out a few times.

About 30 minutes into this week-long hour, the DJ announced, "Don't forget parents, you can walk the rink in street shoes, but you have to remain next to your child the entire time."

 My head whipped around so fast I almost lost my balance again. Whaaaat? We could be wearing street shoes? We're risking our lives for no good reason? 

That's why none of the other dads were slipping and sliding. They weren't skating! How did I not notice that? When I looked at Daphne, she looked as surprised as I felt.

But it was too late by that time, so we kept chugging away.

This is the only picture I have from those terrible 60 minutes. I left my phone in our locker so it wouldn't get broken like my arm.

I'm happy to report that neither Daphne or I fell this time. That was a relief because I was sure I'd be leaving Skate North on a stretcher. 

I know one thing. The next time we go skating, my boots will be made for walking.