You Don't Know, Jack

I was in a grocery store a few days ago, and I actually remembered that we are almost out of syrup. But if you threatened me with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch, I couldn't tell you what brand of syrup I buy. I just know it's the microwaveable kind, and it has that magical sensor that tells me when the syrup's hot.

I headed over to the syrup aisle and started mumbling, "Microwaveable bottle, microwaveable bottle, microwaveable bottle..." as I scanned the shelves. Nothing. What? None of the syrup bottles had that magic temperature window. I checked the shelves again; I've been known to miss things that are directly in front of my nose. Nope. No magic syrup. I was in a Dahl's grocery store, and I know they have been scaling back to try to keep their stores afloat, so I chalked it up to their business model.

But I was at HyVee last night, and I couldn't find my magic syrup there, either. What gives? What brand of syrup am I even looking for? I had to go home to see what kind of syrup I buy. The bottle was in the cupboard.

Hungry Jack [slaps forehead]! That's it! To see who sells it, I googled "Hungry Jack microwave" and this is what came up.

Discontinued? What gives? I checked Hungry Jack's Facebook page. Shelia Miller had already asked my question.

What consumer preference shift? I'm throwing a BS flag on the field. When was the last time a consumer thought, "You know, warming syrup in this bottle is really convenient, but what I really want is an extra step or two. Hungry Jack, could you make my breakfast more complicated?" There was no time. No one has ever thought that.

But it's true. The old bottles are gone, and the new ones are too tall for a microwave.

If I had to guess, I'd say it is somehow tied to health concerns, but Hungry Jack's been selling these bottles for decades, so they can't admit, "You know what? We've been secretly making millions of people sick for years, and we have decided to stop because we love you, and we don't want to pay millions of dollars in legal fees." 

So, they're blaming you for making this change, even if they didn't really ask you.

If you want the old bottle, you can check what people are charging on Amazon.

Of course there's always eBay. (I can't believe two sets of these sold.)

At those prices all I have left is about three dollars' worth of liquid, buttery gold.

The new syrup containers have "Do Not Microwave in Bottle" printed on them, but I bet people will pour new syrup into their old bottles. And if they're like me, they won't care what brand of syrup they use now. When I'm at home, I'm not a syrup connoisseur. I just like magic. 

Time to head over to Big Lots - land of discontinued products.

Score! $2.50 is a lot better than $14.95. 

I wonder if sugar free magic is less magical than sugar filled magic? We'l have to see.

Addendum: Sugar free magic tastes terrible.